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Sweet dreams and far away in heaven
Lipstick and chocolate on Jesus
These things for tonight
Heaven sent they feel right …
Black doves with white gloves in Memphis
Closed eyes with hands tied for tonight
Driveways with painted glass
These things shall come to pass …
Far away you bleed my heart
For tonight these feelings start …
Forlorn and forsworn your saviour
Blue pills and sequins love Elvis
Torn apart we say goodbye
Our last dance we kiss the sky …
Far away you bleed the past
For tonight these feelings last …
Slow pain and yearning for tonight
Caked blood with vomit for breakfast
Weakness and empty minds
With bloodlust this hatred blinds …
Repeat Verse 1
Far away you bleed my soul
For tonight these feelings grow …
These are the lyrics to a song I just wrote, and it’s about … wait for it … tonight (okay, it’s about a girl … of course). I’m going to try to get a good recording of this one uploaded soon, because I’ve gotten a lot of good feedback on it. I usually just post the lyrics to songs that I haven’t recorded yet as a personal record for myself, but I hope you like it anyway.
You whisper softly, about tonight
I pull you closer, and hold you tight
It’s just the two of us, against the world
A lonely boy, and a lonely girl
We’re growing older, every day
The years behind us, a world away
So don’t remind me, turn out the light
We’ll think about it, but not tonight
Will you remember me
When tonight’s a memory
Will it comfort you
When you dream … about tonight
You whisper softly, about tonight
A perfect moment, a perfect time
It’s just the two of us, a boy and girl
No longer lonely, we rule the world
Chorus (ad lib to end)
When boredom meets opportunity … vanity art ensues.
Seriously, I thought I would give an example of what you can do with old/traditional photos that have seen better days, using Photoshop. Here, I’ve given the color and warmth an exaggerated effect (along with some lettering), but you can easily make it less so, and create digital photos from the originals, that retain the original color quality and brilliancy. All you need is a scanner, Adobe Photoshop, and a bit of patience (boredom helps), while you play with the color settings and enhancements.
I just wrote this poem/thought for today. Many people died in the 9/11 bombings, 9 years ago, but many more have died as a result of fear, hatred, and the desire for revenge, stemming from those bombings, and many other things. I hope you enjoy this small collection of words, and will forgive me if it sounds too much like a Dr. Seuss rhyme, at times, but most of all, I hope it means something to you. I wish all of you Love and Peace.
THE PATRIOT DAY PEACE POEM
Remember those who are gone, and love the ones who are here
Try not to be contaminated by hatred and fear
Remember that our children’s future depends
On the way we treat their parents, and their parents, and friends
Revenge is never a solution, but a vicious circle that never ends
It just begets more fear, more hatred, more death, and revenge
Peace, my friends.
Yet another song by me that sounds like I’m meowing in it. It sounds like I’m singing Lemeow. Screw it…sounds good.
Hearts await in silence
Never making a sound
They pick you up, but you fall right back down to me
When no one else is around
Fake, fake, fallin’
Wait, wait, for it
Let me out
Dreams are not what you make them
They cut you down to size
You lift me up, then knock me back down to my knees
Freezin’ me with your eyes
Chorus (ad lib to end)
These are the lyrics to a song I just wrote, called “It’s All A Dream”. I also call it “The Meow Song”, because I make a high pitched wailing sound on the chorus that sounds like a meow. Don’t ask.
A solitary mind
Screams and dreams collide
With freaks and creeps disguised
It’s all a lie
A solitary deed
Hands and feet that bleed
What people never see
They won’t believe
What your mind can’t be bothered to say
Your heartbeat carries away
It’s all a dream
It’s all a dream
(and I meow during part of this at the end…lmao…it does sound cool though)
A solitary soul
Screams and dreams unfold
When everything gets cold
You will grow old
Chorus (ad lib to end).
If I act a bit peculiar, if my thoughts seem unorganized…well, part of that is just who I am. Much of it though, has to do with the fact that I’m still going through benzodiazepine withdrawal. I was prescribed Xanax (alprazolam) about 15 years ago by a doctor, and I took it every day until recently. About a year ago I decided I wanted to get off of this class of drugs, so I asked my current doctor to switch me to Valium (diazepam), and begin a slow taper off of this medication. I knew it could take a while, because I’d read about how hard they are to come off of after such a protracted period of use. For those of you reading this who don’t know anything about benzo withdrawal, let me refer you to a wonderful site called benzo.org.uk, that has helped me a great deal, and is full of information on benzodiazepine withdrawal.
I was originally taking 4 mg. of Xanax per day. That’s actually quite a lot. When my current doctor switched me to Valium to begin the taper, he started me at 40 mg. per day of Valium. If you check the equivalency tables at benzo.org.uk, you’ll see that 4 mg. of Xanax is actually equal to 80 mg. of Valium. I pointed this out to him, but he gave me his reasons for starting me out at a lower dosage of Valium (you’ll be “knocked out” if I give you that much Valium, etc.), and I reluctantly went along with it. I didn’t really have much of a choice. As it turned out, since I was on a fairly high dose of Xanax to begin with, the switch wasn’t really that hard. But, it has taken a while. I’ve been tapering off slowly as recommended, for the past 10 months. This is a LONG TIME people! It’s a VERY long time to feel like you’re “not in your right mind”. To not be able to concentrate, feel normal, sleep properly, not stop hearing ringing in your ears (tinnitus), or for everything in your field of vision to look like it’s moving…even when it’s not. I startle easily. My short term memory is…let’s just say it’s not what it used to be. I was determined to keep going down in my dosage though, and to eventually get off of these meds. So, I continue onward and outward.
It has NOT been easy. My mind used to be as quick as lightning. Now I have to make a concerted effort to do things that used to be very easy for me. I’ve pushed to the limit the family ties, and friendships I have. But, they are still here…and I love them for that, along with all of the other reasons. As of now, I’m currently almost off of these things. Starting at 40 mg. of Valium per day, I am now only taking 4 mg. per day. It occurred to me that this was my original daily dosage of Xanax when I started this taper. So of course, I decided to write about it. I’m only taking 10% of my original dosage of Valium now, or the equivalent of 5% of my orignal dosage of Xanax. I’ve had people ask me: “I thought you already tapered off of those about a year ago?” They don’t understand. I’m not sure most people can understand, unless they are going through this too. So, this post is primarily for those people. It’s also, just to make sure everyone understands where I’m coming from, for those of you who wonder: “What’s wrong with this dude? That boy done lost his damn mind!” Ah, humor! I have to have a sense of humor about this, or I believe I would’ve “lost it” by now. The truth is, sometimes I do feel like I’ve “lost it”. But, I’m here to tell you: I’m gonna get it back!
For those of you also withdrawing from benzodiazepines, I wish you luck, patience, endurance, tenacity, and if you’re just starting to taper off, I want to encourage you to keep it up. I want to let you know that you can do it. I’m almost off of them, but as the site I linked to above will tell you, it’s still far from over. As of this writing I’m doing pretty well, all things considered, and I know that one day soon I’ll have my brain back…please stand by.
I’m not going to pretend that I actually know what I’m doing on this blog. I’m like a lot of people, I suppose. Just trying to share my thoughts, but also trying to find someone to listen to those thoughts. Sometimes it’s difficult to muster the energy to blog something that’s on your mind, when you don’t really feel like anyone is reading it. Cart/horse…horse/cart. So…I’m going to try to use this blog in a more blog-like way, and try to keep it updated more often. Really…I am! Time will tell…and to the few, the proud, the obviously twisted people who actually DO read this blog…I thank you.
There’s an awesome band called STiiLPOiNT playing in Hell at The Masquerade in Atlanta, GA on St. Patrick’s Day. I’m going! Gonna drink alotta green beer, and hopefully end up going home with this hot lil drunken leprechaun…or one that looks just like her. Who’s with me???
Or this??? Ah haaa!!!
Here’s the deal…yes, I have a Facebook…and if anyone on my Facebook is persistent enough, they can find this blog. But I don’t really wanna make it easy for them, because the people on my Facebook, for the most part, are people I know pretty well. If I had it linked to here, then I wouldn’t feel nearly as free to post whatever I want to post on here. The basic fact is this: if anyone wants to link all of my pages together, they can…I just don’t wanna make it too easy for ‘em! Nuff said!
Addendum: It recently occurred to me that I could link THIS blog TO Facebook, without having the implicate problems I wrote about above. So, you can find my Facebook page here. Thank you. Now…nuff said!