If I act a bit peculiar, if my thoughts seem unorganized…well, part of that is just who I am.  Much of it though, has to do with the fact that I’m still going through benzodiazepine withdrawal.  I was prescribed Xanax (alprazolam) about 15 years ago by a doctor, and I took it every day until recently.  About a year ago I decided I wanted to get off of this class of drugs, so I asked my current doctor to switch me to Valium (diazepam), and begin a slow taper off of this medication.  I knew it could take a while, because I’d read about how hard they are to come off of after such a protracted period of use.  For those of you reading this who don’t know anything about benzo withdrawal, let me refer you to a wonderful site called benzo.org.uk, that has helped me a great deal, and is full of information on benzodiazepine withdrawal.

I was originally taking 4 mg. of Xanax per day.  That’s actually quite a lot.  When my current doctor switched me to Valium to begin the taper, he started me at 40 mg. per day of Valium.  If you check the equivalency tables at benzo.org.uk, you’ll see that 4 mg. of Xanax is actually equal to 80 mg. of Valium.  I pointed this out to him, but he gave me his reasons for starting me out at a lower dosage of Valium (you’ll be “knocked out” if I give you that much Valium, etc.), and I reluctantly went along with it.  I didn’t really have much of a choice.  As it turned out, since I was on a fairly high dose of Xanax to begin with, the switch wasn’t really that hard.  But, it has taken a while.  I’ve been tapering off slowly as recommended, for the past 10 months.  This is a LONG TIME people!  It’s a VERY long time to feel like you’re “not in your right mind”.  To not be able to concentrate, feel normal, sleep properly, not stop hearing ringing in your ears (tinnitus), or for everything in your field of vision to look like it’s moving…even when it’s not.  I startle easily.  My short term memory is…let’s just say it’s not what it used to be.  I was determined to keep going down in my dosage though, and to eventually get off of these meds.  So, I continue onward and outward.

It has NOT been easy.  My mind used to be as quick as lightning.  Now I have to make a concerted effort to do things that used to be very easy for me.  I’ve pushed to the limit the family ties, and friendships I have.  But, they are still here…and I love them for that, along with all of the other reasons.  As of now, I’m currently almost off of these things.  Starting at 40 mg. of Valium per day, I am now only taking 4 mg. per day.  It occurred to me that this was my original daily dosage of Xanax when I started this taper.  So of course, I decided to write about it.  I’m only taking 10% of my original dosage of Valium now, or the equivalent of 5% of my orignal dosage of Xanax.  I’ve had people ask me:  “I thought you already tapered off of those about a year ago?”  They don’t understand.  I’m not sure most people can understand, unless they are going through this too.  So, this post is primarily for those people.  It’s also, just to make sure everyone understands where I’m coming from, for those of you who wonder:  “What’s wrong with this dude?  That boy done lost his damn mind!”  Ah, humor!  I have to have a sense of humor about this, or I believe I would’ve “lost it” by now.  The truth is, sometimes I do feel like I’ve “lost it”.  But, I’m here to tell you:  I’m gonna get it back!

For those of you also withdrawing from benzodiazepines, I wish you luck, patience, endurance, tenacity, and if you’re just starting to taper off, I want to encourage you to keep it up.  I want to let you know that you can do it.  I’m almost off of them, but as the site I linked to above will tell you, it’s still far from over.  As of this writing I’m doing pretty well, all things considered, and I know that one day soon I’ll have my brain back…please stand by.